all of this time watching these crazy ladies in crazy situations has inspired my latest thee.ay.ter Top 5 List: Top 5 Craziest Bitches on the Ringwald Stage.  i know the title is a little harsh, but these characters are extremely crazy, or manipulative, or murderous, or drunk, or all of the above.

check out my list below and chime in with any others you feel should have made the list that didn’t!!

#5 – Sharla Smith
Killer Joe
played by Jamie Warrow

Jamie Warrow as Sharla in the Tracy Letts play, KILLER JOE. photo by Colleen Scribner

perhaps the most debatable of the bunch, Sharla Smith definitely fits right up there in my opinion. her lies and schemes put the whole Die! Mama! Die! idea in the heads of the men around her. she wanted a chunk of that insurance money and would do anything to get it…even if it meant assisting in the whoring out of her step daughter, Dottie. i’m not saying she necessarily deserved that chicken leg down the throat, or the ongoing torment Joe puts her through, but she is one crazy bitch…and without her the show wouldn’t be nearly as potent and visceral. Jamie Warrow’s performance was brutal and beautiful and horrifying (in the best of ways…..ways that made this director very, very proud). to this day, if i hear a Sharla-like cackle it leaves goosebumps on my arm.

#4 – Cheryl
Evil Dead: The Musical
played by Christa Coulter

Christa Coulter as Cheryl in EVIL DEAD: THE MUSICAL. photo by Colleen Scribner

sure she starts as just another dorky girl with a bad crimp/dye job, but no sooner can you say “Tree Rape” than Ash’s little sis, Cheryl, is transformed into a pun-spewing, pencil wielding, singing zombie!! while i often looked at Cheryl’s transformation as just-revenge, no one can deny that she is one. crazy. bitch. but she is the crazy of the best kind as she danced and thrashed about…until those darn boys threw her in the cellar and locked her up. oh, but this wouldn’t stop our anti-heroine from making her presence known!! before directing this production, i felt that this would be one of the characters i would truly love to have played. but after watching Christa Coulter’s sadistic and gleeful performance, i knew that i was not the one born to play this part. a new scream queen was born.

#3 – Mrs. Siezmagraff
Betty’s Summer Vacation
played by Joe Bailey

Joe Bailey as Mrs. Seizmagraff in the Christopher Durang's BETTY'S SUMMER VACATION. photo by Colleen Scribner

Betty’s Summer Vacation was the first comedy i ever directed and it holds a special place in my heart. from the first time i read it, i could imagine no one but Joe Bailey as the eccentric landlord of an extremely doomed time share. Joe brought her brash, overbearing, manic manners to life in a truly incredible performance. yes, everyone in this show is mad, but to me Mrs. S takes the biggest piece of crazy cake. from her blatant choice to ignore her daughter’s sexual abuse (by not only her father, but a random streaker brought along for the vacay) to her immediate acceptance of the physicalization of the Voices in the Wall (you just had to have seen it, sorry), she proves to be the most insane, and fun, of the whole lot.

#2 – Mrs. Daigle
The Bad Seed
played by Laurel Hufano

Laurel Hufano as Mrs. Daigle in Maxwell Anderson's THE BAD SEED. photo by Colleen Scribner

here’s another character that perhaps wouldn’t be so crazy if it weren’t for the performance from a brilliant Wilde Award Winning Laurel Hufano. who can blame Mrs. Daigle for going off the deep end when her little boy shows up drowned on the shore during a school picnic? however, as soon as Mrs. Daigle forces her mute, wheelchair-bound invalid of a husband onto the stage, the audience knew this was going to be some wild shit. as her two scenes unfolded, we learned about her deep, deep, deep love for her little Claude (she swore she would marry him one day!), that she would drink anything (including rubbing alcohol) to get a buzz on, and that she was feisty as all get out. from chasing Ms. Fern around the apartment to wrestling around with “little” Rhoda, Mrs. Daigle quickly showed that you did not want to stand in her way. nor did you ever want her to leave the stage.

#1 – Glenn Close
Fatal Attraction: A Greek Tragedy
played by Joe Bailey

Joe Bailey as Glenn Close in FATAL ATTRACTION: A GREEK TRAGEDY photo by Colleen Scribner

i know that i may seem impartial, but Joe Bailey really did deserve to be on this list twice. and after Die! Mommie! Die! i am sure he would deserve yet another spot. in our very first Ringwald performance, Joe stormed the stage as the insane and voluptuous  Glenn Close. the Miss Saigon lip synch was hysterical and the late night phone calls with Michael Douglas and clueless Anne Archer were a riot. this was one serious Working Woman!! and she wasn’t going to let some jerk sleep with her and toss her aside. Joe really tore this up and had the audience going crazy every night (not to mention the rest of us on stage). as it was our first show in our current home, a lot of people may have missed it and that is a shame. but maybe, just maybe, Ms. Close will be back for another close up one of these days. if you’re lucky.

DIE! MOMMIE! DIE!
by Charles Busch

Angela Arden – Joe Bailey
Sol Sussman – Alan Madlane
Edith Sussman – Melissa Beckwith
Lance Sussman – Vince Kelley
Tony Parker – Bryan Lark
Bootsie Carp – Suzie Jacokes

Director – Joe Plambeck
Assistant Director – Christa Coulter